Bollock Brothers - Mythology

Another load of old testes from Jock MacDonald. There’s something about them that fascinates. Perhaps it’s because, as the Trouser Press reviewer states, there’s no-one else quite like them, and they’re not easily categorised – apart from those who’d label them ‘crap’ which seems to be all but a few.


To set the scene –

The news that the Bollock Brothers (or is it those two French DJs?) are playing in London this Friday (June 11th 2010) got me to thinking about them and the 4 Be 2s. First heard of Jock MacDonald in connection with trying to organise 1,000 punk a side football matches and tug o’wars as the 1970s faded into the 1980s , and later as a purveyor of dodgy vinyl Pistols bootlegs such as Anarchy In The UK and Never Trust A Hippy.

Someone pointed me in the direction of the 4 Be 2s first single (One Of The Lads) a bizarre dub rock effort which was catchy (though I couldn’t really take to the B side (UmmBaba). The picture cover featured blokes wearing horror masks and military uniforms. My guide pointed out that one was Jimmy Lydon (John’s brother) who had a penchant for German WWII memorabilia and you could see his dodgy eye behind the mask, as someone had whacked him for wearing an Iron Cross (Don’t know if that was true). Their second single Frustration was a brilliant ska style singalong about being gaoled for murdering your girlfriend. The B Side was equally brilliant – a cover of The Who’s I Can’t Explain which sounded like Bowie’s version from Pin-Ups – but speeded up and on steroids. Their final effort was an instrumental reworking of their first single this time called All Of The Lads in aid of youngsters killed in a disco fire in Dublin. The B-side featured a dreadful mysogynist dirge called Bitch, and another cheery ska hopalong called Jimmy Jones about the nutter who got all those folk over to Guyana then had them commit mass suicide by drinking poisoned Kool-Aid.

Saw them at the Lyceum supported by other North London stalwarts Infa-Riot and The Dark. (and Chelsea). Just remember Jock (?) calling for a minutes silence for the perished youth of Dublin, mass audience speculation as to whether one of the many figures in shadow back stage was John Lydon, and hordes of pogoing and congaing Arsenal skins as Jimmy (in a bright green suit) led the festivities. Mind you, being a devout coward I left early as there were loads of less than happy West Ham skins up the back.

I know they played a St Patrick’s Day hooley at the Rainbow, supported by The Bollock Brothers and Pope Paul & The Romans.

The BBs recorded career seems long & dubious. I bought The Bunker and wasn’t surprised that it didn’t feature in the Anthony Hopkins as Adolf Hitler TV movie. I bought The Act Became Real (about Ronnie Reagan) but it didn’t seem to be much of an improvement. They did their version of NMTB with Palace Prowler Michael Fagan – I saw them at The Marquee – masses of tourists going bananas to the Pistols songs. A review in Sounds consisted solely of Jack Barron phoning the Marquee for a free ticket then playing Space Invaders. Journalists, eh? They then seemed to latch onto the Batcave thing and pretend to be Goths – using Horror Film imagery on their 12 inchers. The B Side of The Slow Removal Of Vincent Van Gogh’s Left Ear featured ‘Paul Gadd Jr’ singing Rock ‘N’ Roll. Bizarrely they seemd very popular in Europe. I was surprised to find The Last Supper on CD in Germany.

We’ll Be There (by Rabbie Burns & The Ticket Touts – a refusal to accept the blanket ban on Scotsmen at Wembley after they trashed the place in ‘75) as the cover featured Jock and a bemused Lydon – the latter to the outrage of the English music press. Other one-offs included the now outdated Why Won’t Rangers Sign A Catholic Centre Forward (a collection of pro-Celtic, anti-Rangers chants set to punk thud ‘n’ blunder with a synth burbling over the top) by Pope Paul & The Romans, and a (Chelsea supporting) acquaintance of mine owned Good Old Arsenal by The Sex Bristols. (a retread of Frustration, encompassing pro-Arsenal, anti-Tottenham chants – which I believe led to Messrs Lydon and McDonald being prosecuted for something like incitement to racial hatred, and Jock appearing in the witness box to explain that a certain three letter word beginning with Y wasn’t a racial slur on Jews but an expression for a follower of Tottenham Hotspur.)

Ever read Johnny Rogan’s examination of The Smiths – Morrissey & Marr : The Severed Alliance? It mentions Morrissey fronting the Nosebleeds (bet he was no Ed Banger) and supporting the BBs in Belgium (surely the nadir of his musical career?)

Also check out Prince Charming – one of those cheap paperbacks rushed out the celebrate the fleeting fame of pop stars (the only other people who seem to merit this cut and paste storytelling are serial killers) in this case Adam Ant. It documents the bizarre episode of Top Of The Pops where, the audience contained many sprightly young men in “I’ve Been Hit By A 4” Be 2” “ t-shirts (I had one!) attempting to hog the camera, and the tabloid aftermath on the morrow, where Adam (and at least one Ant) had been assaulted by these yobs.

So. Mythology

GDM – Jock prowls the streets of London and beyond, looking for handsome young men to lure between his sheets. Apparently an answer to the German electro-pop tune No GDM by Gina X, itself a reference to Quentin Crisp and no Great Dark Man (according to what I googled.)

Spooky

Beats Of Love

GDM, Spooky and Beats of Love are all Euro-Disco stuff, and not the BBs I really get on with.

Dinner With Dracula – this is more like it! The familiar sub-Pistols drone, overlapped with thunder, tolling bells, what sounds like voice-over merchant Bill Mitchell impersonating Bela Lugosi (rather badly), Hammer music and then a description of the approach to Castle Dracula – by a distorted voice. If I can find my old Hammer/Christopher Lee Dracula LP I’ll have to check if that’s where the BBs nicked it from. Their single (under the Red Lipstique alias?) Return Of The Vampyre is alleged to feature Sir Chris

My Fair Daughter – Jock’s daughter reciting London Bridge Is Falling Down for 20 seconds. Oh dear. Possibly a parody of The Clash or Psychic TV.

Monster Mash – a rather leaden cover of Bobby ‘Boris’ Pickett’s classic made infinitely worse by seguing into the original at the end.

Wiped Out – More sub-Pistols posturing, through the Surfaris Wipe Out – sadly misses the drumming , but a good grind nonetheless.

For Your Blood – Another crappy pseudo-Goth Disco cover, this time of For Your Love by The Yardbirds. It’s preferable to the first three, but not by much.

Wilde Mythology – now, along with Dinner With Dracula, this is a good one. Jock and a EuroLady sing the praises of Oscar (or possibly Oskar) Wilde and his search for beauty.

Legend Piano Mix – someone playing the piano quite well.

Slim pickings here unfortunately, but three of ‘em are worth what I paid for it.